Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
