You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Are my feet made of real feet?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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