Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
