There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
