life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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