You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
