dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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