Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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