I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
