marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
