Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
