I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
