at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires