her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
