Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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