I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
