I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
