One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
