i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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