We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
