someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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