He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
