Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
