I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
