I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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