In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
