He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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