bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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