piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You smell like stripper and shame
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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