I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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