Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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