Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
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Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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