a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
