I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
