just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
