You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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