Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My liver just broke up with me...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
