I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
