Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
