apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
