Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
