im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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