Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just want nice things and good sex
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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