I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
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