So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
