if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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