It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
They took my balls.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
