I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
