She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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