Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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