we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
