I looked at my own cervix.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
