i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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