the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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