She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
