I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
