the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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