you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The 33 Worst Things Men Have Said While Hitting On Women
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.