u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
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I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation